I've been thinking a lot about human interaction lately. i think it started the other day at Chris' cousins' son, Jaiden's birthday. I'm good with kids. Like, reeeeaally good with kids. I don't condesend to them, I just go to their level and talk to them about things they like and understand. and I pay attention to them. I guess maybe I'm making them feel like they are special to me. But at Jaiden's birthday, towards the end of the night, he was sitting on the couch (after being woken by one of his cousin's accidentaly sitting on him), and within 15 minutes of me half playing with him, he had practicly crawled onto my lap (he's two), and he loved me. I can get almost all children to instantly love me if I try. Yet somehow, my interactions with adults are excedingly akward for me. I can't do it. I don't know what to say, or how I should relate to other people.

Then yesterday after the Dirty Dolls photo shoot, Chris, katie, Amber, and myself went for sushi. I always felt that Katie was kinda cold to me, that she didn't like me. After dinner as we walked to the bus stop she said "Meryle, you're starting to grow on me." or something along those lines. She went on to tell me that she hadn't liked me in the begining, that she thought I was crass, and too much. But now she really started to like me. I was glad because I've always liked her, and was uncomfortable with feeling she didn't like me.

And today was just strange. I went to see Hawksley Workman today at sunnyside beach, and after the show Derrick invited mysterion and myself to mitzi sister later on in the evening to see his other band, dodge fiasco. I like Derrick. We get along really well. But I always feel akward going and talking to him when he's with the other people he works with or his family. Cause we only know each other through a couple of nice conversations we've had after shows, and he's there talking to these people who know him well and vice versa. I don't know how to put myself in a situation like that without feeling like a nosey outsider. and Hawksley... well Hawksley is Hawksley, and it's already been well established that we have little in common, and (litteraly) don't understand what each other is talking about. Like, ever had a conversation with someone and you get the feeling like you are talking about two compleatly different things and then maybe you crack a joke, and they're all "huh? I don't get it."? Yeah it's like that. Don't get me wrong, we both like each other, we just kinda have nothing to say to each other. So I always feel akward talking to him. And Serena I really like (and I believe the feeling is mutual... hey man... we shared a lipstick!) but I think she's kinda earnest in a way I'm not. I'm not fully sure what I can and can't say around her yet. Although I was really flatered when I appologised for not comming to her last show, because of lack of funds, and she says "Meryle, Meryle MERYLE! You know you'd get in. You're Meryle! You're gonna get in just for being Meryle! You just have to ask, so lack of money is no excuse. I mean my god you've gone to enough shows already!" (she was a bit drunk so she was a little ranty, but it was cute). Which was nice, cause it made me say to myself "oh ok, I'm doing alright, people like me, I'm not such a social freak."

It's like that point in a relationship with a person, where you're just becomming friends, and it's still kinda akward because you don't know each other inside out yet. You teeter at that line for a bit, but then you get over it. It's very hard to get over that line with peple you se once ever couple of months or so. So it always feels strange.

Then I ran into Karina, and she was super excited about a date, she had, but you know how it is when sometimes you don't know how to respond so something because you weren't there to witness the event? I ended up being all "yeah? really? nice!" And I was surprised at how transparent her body language was. She was practically in my face excited talking about the date, but when I asked her about a friend of hers I was kinda concerned about, all of a sudden she was standing five feet away from me walking back and forth with her arms crossed. Strange, yet somewhat understandable.

I don't know. I just don't know what to do with people, how to act, what to say when, when to stay, when to go, when to shut my mouth. I mean I guess I do with people I know really well, or have a strong connection with, but everyone else, I feel like a lost cause. Please tell me, do I look and act as akward as I feel? I think I stutter, and dart my eyes, maybe say something kinda dumb. Then I feel realling insecure and a jerk.

I'm not sure anymore where I was going with this. I guess I'm trying to say I'm scared of people, that I'm fasinated with my interaction with others, fasinated with other peoples perceptions of me, And, just plain confused. I just hope I'm getting better at this talking thing.

So bare with me if we have that akward, "oh I guess I'll shake your hand, or maybe, oh! ok we're friends enough to warrent the hug maybe? oh and uh do you do the kiss cheek thing?" moment.

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